29 Years Ago Today....

Click pic to feel warm and fuzzy!

The OTHER Three Little Words...

I did it...

Again...

I caught myself saying the two words that I PROMISED -

NO!!

I VOWED to NEVER, EVER say to another Mom as long as I lived...

Can you guess what they were?

"Just Wait"


No!!
I'm not trying to make you sit on the edge of your seat before revealing those words...
Those ARE the words!

Just - Wait!

When my older kiddos were little, and I was the "young Mom" surrounded by older Moms with older kids, I used to HATE when having a conversation involving the peaks and valleys of parenting, inevitably one of them would hit me right between the eyes with "Just WAIT!!!"

It was as if they wanted to one up me...

They were the same girls that after hearing about your labor and delivery taking 27 hours and requiring forceps and 3 pints of plasma, would say something like "MY labor lasted 27 DAYS and a staff of 14 doctors and nurses as well as 3 QUARTS of blood!!!"




Need I say.... ANNOYING!!!

Many years of parenting have passed...
(28 plus to be exact... which incidentally is 10,249 days!)

Birth stories have been replaced by Menopause stories
(and believe me - they are equally as IRRITATING!)

Now I am the "older Mom"

A friend contacted me and was venting about one of the lows of her parenting experiences of late.
She also mentioned that she was glad her 4th grade daughter still thought that she was awesome...

Call me aggravating...

Call me unpleasant...

Call me a weary Mom STILL dealing with teenagers after 5,501 days (which is how many days ago my first son turned 13... keep in mind that I have five children)

Call me what you like...

Just don't call me to vent and count on my not blurting out that two word phrase that has become a common one in my vocabulary repertoire...

Why, you ask has this happened to me?

I've asked myself that very same question each and every time I've uttered those words, and I believe I have the answer...

It comes down to another short three word expression...



Misery Loves Company!

Circus Peanuts

I have a brother who loves circus peanuts...
You know, the orange peanut shaped candy that is made from pure sugar and has the consistency of stale-banana-flavored-marshmallows...

I've always had a hard time understanding how anyone could possibly like these 'treats'...

Did you ever wonder what the inspiration behind the invention of such a confection was?

This is my guess to what may have transpired on that fateful day...

BACK IN THE 1800's AT SOME UNIDENTIFIED CANDY FACTORY DEVELOPMENT KITCHEN:

"uh... who was the moron who ordered all this banana extract and orange food coloring?!!"

"Ummmm.... Sorry, that was me"

"Well you'd better figure out SOMETHING to do with it or you'll be looking for a new job... maybe the circus in town will want to hire you to sweep up after the elephants!"

"Hey that just gave me a GREAT idea!!"

I wonder if this was the same person who invented the equally disgusting, candy corn?
Does anyone actually EAT these?
...or do they just buy
the obligatory bag and pour them into a dish on their coffee table for decoration?

I know what you are thinking....

and the answer to that question is YES.... Sadly, I actually DO wonder about these kinds of things...

That's just how I roll...

Grocery lists and planning and other such nonsense... A Cry for Help!!

Okay... so today I stopped by the old blog-a-roo to dust off the cobwebs and see what I've been up to lately...

I kid....

I was shocked to realize that my last post was back in April!!!

Is my life so uneventful that I had nothing to write about since then?

*chirp*chirp* (is that the sound of crickets?)

Actually, life is busy for me ALL the time...
It really boils down to the fact that my down time has been consumed with other things like sleeping, eating, and keeping up with my favorite tv programs...

Today however, I needed to call upon my BF's (that's YOU... my Bloggy Friends)
I NEED your help...desperately!

I am meal planning for an upcoming camping trip...
Before you start envisioning me in my over sized girl scout uniform, I should probably let you in on a secret...

I don't camp in one of these:

Or even one of these:



These are my camping digs:
















Don't say it!!!


Don't you DARE tell me that I am a spoiled brat and that this is not REAL camping...

Because if you do I will march right inside my air conditioned RV, flip on the TV and sit in front of the flame-less fireplace and ignore you...

Again.... I kid...




Not really....


I need to get to the fine point of all of this blathering...

Here is my humble request...

I need some meal inspirations...

Keep in mind that I do have a stove, oven & yes... a microwave - (don't start with me)
I also bring a crockpot... and a smokey joe to grill on...



But I'm in a funk...a rut... I need inspiration before I head to the grocery store and fill two carts with spontaneous food purchases that not only don't make any sense but can't make any discernible meals (don't EVEN try to tell me that you haven't done that at least once in your life)

If you really love me, you will spare me the lecture that Tony is notorious for giving me about making grocery lists and planning and other such nonsense!

On a final note I might add that my family are a bunch of foodies.... Pul-eeze don't suggest 'hot dogs', because although they will eat hotdogs on occasion, they want "REAL" food...even while camping...

PS - If it wouldn't be too much trouble... please include recipes!!
I thank you....

my husband thanks you...

my kids thank you...


You are the bestest BF's EVER!!!! ;)

Outwit...Outplay...Outlast...Out of the Question!

My BF Les sent this to me today...

Truth be told, it couldn't have arrived on a better day for me...
Ummm... can you say teenagers?...
Sure you can...

I wanted to share the wealth with you...

you know...

the ones who understand me...

and who will also understand and appreciate this idea...

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean ,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects ,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives ,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment ,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.

He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs ,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes ,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed

During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!

After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as you
think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can
handle it.
Just don't send it back to me.... I'm going to bed.

Can I get an 'Amen'?!!

Going Up?

Occasionally someone will send me one of these kinds of things in my email...

Okay... if I'm being COMPLETELY honest.... I get this kind of crap, junk, spam humorous stuff all of the time, and once in a while, something will arrive that tickles my funny bone or makes me laugh (and snort a little)

This was one of the few of them that didn't involve flatulence, sex, or a story involving a rabbi, a priest and a prostitute conversing on the 18th fairway of a country club golf course....

Here they are:

(and I wish I had the nerve to try them... #6 is my personal favorite)

1. Explain your ideas of world domination to your fellow riders

2. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

3. Walk on with a cooler that is labeled "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.

4. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

5. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

6. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

Maddie....

I didn't know her...

or her Mom & Dad...

yet she has touched me...

Count your blessings folks...
and please keep this hurting family in your prayers...

Be sure to read the beautiful thoughts on Maddie written by her Mom HERE

(please be patient if link doesn't load quickly...
the server must be getting slammed...
if you don't get through the first time, please try again later)

Watch this touching video tribute that was posted on remembermaddie.com


The Tribute to Our Madeline from Mike and Heather on Vimeo.

You say shopaholic like it's a bad thing....

I'm a bargain hunter.
I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that to you before, but it's true.

I go for 'big game', which by my own personal definition, means that I don't waste my time on half-off sales...
No siree!
I scoff at 40% off ads that come in the mail...

'Big Game' in my book means AT LEAST 75% off...

It's actually somewhat of a 'gift', this ability to scope out deals...
I'm like Patricia Arquette's character in Medium....
Except that my 6th sense is more along the lines of 'knowing' when I need to get to a store...

Tony has a hard time accepting my 'special talent'....
He sees it as more of a curse...

"Why Jackie???!!! Please tell me why we NEEDED a labeler??? WHY???!!!"

"You just-don't-get-it!!!! Poor, sad, Tony!!! They cost $35.00 everywhere and I only paid $6.00 for it..... Six dollars I tell you!!!!!! I saved us $29.00!!!"

"You still haven't told me WHY we need a labeler...."

"I'm not going to dignify that with an answer..... but the next time YOU need something labeled.... DO NOT come crying to me!!!"



"You know Jackie.... everytime you 'save' us money.... you cost us money....."

Good thing that we are best friends.... because let me tell you, if we weren't, I would be infuriated with that kind of rain being dumped on my parade!!

PS - I haven't told him about the case of Yankee Candles that I saved us $75.00 by buying yet...
So mum's the word!!!!!

Eyeball Tattoos...

I agree with the folks who are trying to ban eyeball tattoos...

Besides being just plain stomach twisting to think about, I think that there is an angle that they probably hadn't even thought of yet...

What's to stop party animals from getting the whites of their eyes tattooed white?

No one would ever know if they had indulged in certain illegal activities...

Just a thought....

from the deep end....

(don't worry, there's plenty more floating around!!)

"Mother Nature's Gift"

Have you seen this commercial yet?

I laugh my head off every time I watch it!!

The person who came up with this concept should get a raise!!

I mean.... REALLY.... armpit hair au naturel (Mother Natures Gift!!)

Watch her bike partners face as it keeps blowing onto it...

It's so gross... and yet I can't stop watching...

Do you think that's normal?!

Me either....

Stimulus - It's Just Another Dirty Word to Me...

Is anyone else out there sick of hearing the word "stimulus"?

Call me immature...
(lots of my friends do)

But my gray matter can't seem to detach that word from the area of my brain that houses things like the 'K-Y His and Hers' commercials and other 'dirty' things...


I mean, in my mind, I am picturing some governmental hotshot on the phone with the economy, candles lit all around speaking in hushed tones asking, "What are you wearing? ...... Because all I have on is a smile..."

Couldn't they come up with a less provocative way of expressing what they are hoping to do to the economy??!!!!!!!!!!!

Couldn't they just "spur" the economy?!
Or perhaps "trigger" the economy??!!

At least until my maturity level increases to that of a person half my age...

Or never......

Bad Boy, Bad Boy, What You Gonna Do....

Remember the good old days when even the worst behaved kids pretended to respect authority?

When all parents lived by the code: "Guilty until proven innocent"?

Those days are gone....

Long gone, I'm afraid.

My sixteen year old daughters ipod was stolen during her lunch period at her high school...
Right out of her bag...

By someone she knew... (a "friend")

She told me two days later, having put off the task knowing that I would react in a not-so-pleasant way...
(she was right)

To make matters worse, several of her other "friends" had seen the JAKWHIP (Jack Ass Kid With Her I Pod) some of whom had even been approached by the kid offering to sell them her ipod cheap...
It had hot pink earbuds and displayed her name when turned on.... no doubt about it... it was HERS!!

(Why, you ask, didn't one of them insist he hand it over on the spot? I have no idea... as I have come to realize, "friends" is a relative term these days among 16 year olds)

At that point, she had already reported all of the info to the officer at school....
and yes, you read right...
they have a "resource officer" aka the Po-Po, the Heat, the Fuzz, at every high school in the district!!

My how things have changed!

After several days of absolutely NO HELP AT ALL, my level headed husband decides that it would probably be a good idea to phone the JAKWHIP's parents.

After all, it takes a village...right?!

After debriefing him on all of the facts complete with names of witnesses, he phones the father of this future guest of the state pen...

I hear him very "Dad to Dad" talking, very calm and friendly like... using phrases like "just want to get this straightened out" and "appreciate your help"
Which is exactly why HE called instead of me...

If I had been the one to make the call, some of the phrases overheard may have included "Don't make me come over there" and "What method of torture do you plan to use to get him to talk?"

So Dad of JAKWHIP assured my guy that he was going to get to the bottom of it...

Which we learned 45 minutes later must have consisted of a conversation similar to this:

DOJAKWHIP: Son!! Did you take some girls ipod?

JAKWHIP: What Father?! Of COURSE NOT!! I would NEVER steal! You and my wonderful mother (who incidentally are the best parents that any kid could ask for and I'm lucky that you are mine) taught me better than that!!!

DOJAKWHIP: That's swell! Now you and Wally go out and play ball with the fellas... But first phone that girls Dad back and explain this to him... poor guy! He was REALLY on the wrong track! I hope he finds the REAL thief!!

How did we come to that conclusion?

Because ol' JAKWHIP phoned my husband and assured him that he didn't steal the ipod and there must have been some kind of misunderstanding.

The Dad didn't even call back...he told the Beav to!!!!

**Sigh**

At the end of the day, we sit back and shake our heads...
and long for the days when parents stuck together...

The days when they all hoped that their kids would never do anything wrong, but they understood that in raising kids...ANYTHING is possible and that even the best kids make mistakes.... sometimes BIG ones...

The days where parents weren't afraid to be parents and understood that having a good relationship with our children, didn't mean that they had to be their best friends...

I would love to be a fly on the wall in JAKWHIP's house the day that Mom or Dad is faced with the reality that their son is a thief...

I do hope for their sake that someone in the village shakes them out of their "happy trance" before the Beav ends up in the slammer!!

In the meantime, my daughter has hopefully learned several valuable lessons including listen to your mother and "friends" is an overused term that has very broad definitions and obviously doesn't mean the same thing to everyone!!

If you happen to see JAKWHIP (a.k.a. the Beav) you might want to warn him not to mess with my girl again... now that her Four older, much larger, and now angry brothers are on to his games...

Michael...You're Such a Dope!

Michael Phelps!

You just kicked butt in nearly every Olympic Swimming Event...

You're probably headed for Disney World ...

Where will you go from there?

.

.

.

.

.

Oh dear, Michael...

Couldn't you have at least waited for Amsterdam?

Or maybe gone someplace a bit more private

(and dude...whichever friend took and distributed your picture hitting that bong isn't REALLY your friend)

I CAAAN'T Stop!!!

I've had a rough week, folks...

Our friend Karl often shares a little story about his daughter (his ONLY daughter...) and how her mysterious, perplexing and uniquely feminine ways often leave him confused...

about how in the past, if she were upset about something ...

I mean, REALLY upset about something, she would begin to cry....

and after the crying had continued for quite some time, she would announce through her tears that "I CAAAN'T STOP C-R-Y-I-N-G!!!!!!!"

This story has always made me smile... It's even made me chuckle over the dramatic flair of it all...

That is... until a few of days ago...

I had to face the moment that every pet owner signs up for, the day they bring that little ball of fluffy cuteness home to share their lives with...

The one that you don't think about in the midst of your excitement...

The one that no one warns you about when you open your home and your heart to a creature that becomes your kid... your baby... your pet...

One of my friends likened we moms relationship with our pets to that of being the parent of a perpetual toddler as they are so very dependent on us for everything and love us unconditionally... they stay that way their entire lives
(Plus - BONUS... never turn into stubborn know-it-all teenagers...)

They are happy just to be with us and hate it when we leave them...

This past week, I had to say goodbye to the one who has protected me, sat by my bed when I was sick, and loved me without condition for the last twelve years...

Our dog Marco went to heaven after battling diabetes as well as blindness for the past year and a half.

It was his time to go and I knew that...
I also anticipated that I would be sad and feel the loss...
I mean, he had, after all, been a HUGE part of our family for the last twelve years...

What I didn't see coming, however was the absolute devastation that I have encountered over the days since...

I went through an entire jumbo pack of Puffs Plus in 2 days...
(we're talking hundreds of tissues)

I felt absolutely gutted...

I suddenly have a new understand for my friends daughters plight...
Because "I CAAAN'T STOP C-R-Y-Y-Y-I-N-G!!!!"

You'll be glad to know that each day I'm doing a little bit better
(I've only teared up 5 times today and didn't once wail)

But he did leave an huge empty spot in out hearts that we are all feeling...




Farewell Marco-Boy!!
I know you'll be waiting for me at my front door in heaven...

But in the meantime, try to stay out of trouble!

Help for L.O.S.E.R.'s... Like Me!!!

My name is Jackie, and I'm a Messy.

Although I've never dropped in to an AA meeting, I imagine that if I were to attend a support group that catered to my particular issues, the "LOwer Standards in Every Room" crowd, (or L.O.S.E.R.'s) this would have to be my introduction...

It's not that I try to be a disorganized cluster of a woman....

It just comes naturally to me!!

Through the years I have worked on this hole or flaw in myself, and have actually made great strides improving in this department...

Yet there are days when I find myself completely paralyzed as I look around my disorganized house and not only, do I not know where to even start to rid myself of the piles that I have accumulated, I also worry that if I unload the things that I haven't used for a long time, I may need them at some point in the future and be upset with myself for getting rid of them!!! (see illustration of my theory above)

The REALLY weird thing is that I have two sisters do not have this problem...

My one sister is VERY organized and can find some kind of balance with the "stuff" that she has and though she has stuff, it's very arranged and tidy...

The other sister has more of a minimalist approach and doesn't hold on to ANYTHING....

Personally speaking, I think the balanced sister is the lucky one, and the we two opposite ends of the spectrum are the ones that need to find that middle ground...

Anyhoo...

I have been inspired recently by a friend of mine who is a Professional Organizer...

Yes Virginia, there is such an occupation!!

Check out the blog on her site... I LOVED it!!!
She addresses things that L.O.S.E.R.'s like me need to hear!!

Thanks Kate!! Where have you been my whole life??!!

Her Blog has prompted me to think that maybe, if I tackle things one at a time... you know, baby steps, I too can get organized and perhaps jump straight to step 12 which states:

"Having had a awakening as the result of these steps, I tried to carry this message to other addicts Messies or L.O.S.E.R.'s, and to practice these principles in all our affairs"

Amen!

Now I'm off to spend 20 minutes with my spices...

It's a Bird! It's a Plane!! It's Marge!!!

My BFF thinks she's Super Girl...
You know, the one who ISO a NGBF?
(she still hasn't found one)

Over the holidays she was trying to show her 16 year old son how to change a tire by way of walking him through the procedure...

Everything was going just fine until the jack began to slip and anticipating the ramifications of that, she did what any super hero would do...

She quite simply slipped her hand under the wheel well to catch the car before it fell...

Ordinary girls would never even attempt such a feat...

But due to her super-human powers, this was a piece of cake...

She simply eased the car to the ground so that no one got hurt...

Oh wait!!!

NO... Actually it went down more like this...

She simply grabbed the car with the INTENT of avoiding injuries, but instead, for some reason, her powers were being blocked by something
(she may have forgotten to put on her super suit that morning)
and she found herself pinned... by the hand.... between the wheel well and the tire....

Panic ensued, but soon cleared the way for quick thinking, and her hand was freed shortly after....bruised and battered, but not broken, thank God!

Some might hear this story and think to themselves that they would never do something like that....

But that's the thing about "stupid human tricks"...

We all do them...

Ever grab a cookie sheet with your bare hands ten seconds after you, yourself, just removed it from the 350 degree oven rack?!

Stupid Human Trick!!!

How about turning the keys in the ignition, only to find that you had already started it...(and then it makes that embarrassing noise that causes people to look to see which moron tried to start their already running car!!!)

Stupid Human Trick!!!

So before you judge ol' Super Girl... just remember that you, too, might get caught doing something without your super-suit on!

AXE and You Shall Receive...

Is it just me??!!

Has anyone else noticed that half of the world doesn't ask for help anymore??

They axe for help...

For heavens sake people!!!!

Just look at the word before uttering it!!!

Ask...

A-S-K...

There's nothing violent about it...

You cannot chop firewood with an ask...
You can with an axe however...

Once a lady told me that if I needed to know something I should just axe her...
I told her right up front that I would never react to needing to know anything by axing a person...

I mean, I'm a peaceful kind of girl...

I make love, not war...
(she was NOT amused)

Today came the final straw...
as I was working, I had to go to a US Government site to gather information...
As I was not familiar with the site, I went to a help section where I was directed to this link...

Within 20 seconds, I heard a gentleman explain to me that this tool would give me quick access to the most "axed" for data series in the Bureau of Labor Statistics...

I kid you not... click and listen...

This needs to stop, I'm sure you'll agree...

I have decided that from now on, everytime someone axes me something,
I will give them one of these posters that I have designed for just such occasions...

Do you think it will catch on??