The OTHER Three Little Words...

I did it...

Again...

I caught myself saying the two words that I PROMISED -

NO!!

I VOWED to NEVER, EVER say to another Mom as long as I lived...

Can you guess what they were?

"Just Wait"


No!!
I'm not trying to make you sit on the edge of your seat before revealing those words...
Those ARE the words!

Just - Wait!

When my older kiddos were little, and I was the "young Mom" surrounded by older Moms with older kids, I used to HATE when having a conversation involving the peaks and valleys of parenting, inevitably one of them would hit me right between the eyes with "Just WAIT!!!"

It was as if they wanted to one up me...

They were the same girls that after hearing about your labor and delivery taking 27 hours and requiring forceps and 3 pints of plasma, would say something like "MY labor lasted 27 DAYS and a staff of 14 doctors and nurses as well as 3 QUARTS of blood!!!"




Need I say.... ANNOYING!!!

Many years of parenting have passed...
(28 plus to be exact... which incidentally is 10,249 days!)

Birth stories have been replaced by Menopause stories
(and believe me - they are equally as IRRITATING!)

Now I am the "older Mom"

A friend contacted me and was venting about one of the lows of her parenting experiences of late.
She also mentioned that she was glad her 4th grade daughter still thought that she was awesome...

Call me aggravating...

Call me unpleasant...

Call me a weary Mom STILL dealing with teenagers after 5,501 days (which is how many days ago my first son turned 13... keep in mind that I have five children)

Call me what you like...

Just don't call me to vent and count on my not blurting out that two word phrase that has become a common one in my vocabulary repertoire...

Why, you ask has this happened to me?

I've asked myself that very same question each and every time I've uttered those words, and I believe I have the answer...

It comes down to another short three word expression...



Misery Loves Company!

Outwit...Outplay...Outlast...Out of the Question!

My BF Les sent this to me today...

Truth be told, it couldn't have arrived on a better day for me...
Ummm... can you say teenagers?...
Sure you can...

I wanted to share the wealth with you...

you know...

the ones who understand me...

and who will also understand and appreciate this idea...

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean ,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects ,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives ,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment ,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.

He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs ,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes ,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed

During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!

After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as you
think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can
handle it.
Just don't send it back to me.... I'm going to bed.

Can I get an 'Amen'?!!

(Not So) Cultured Pearls From the Deep End...

I'm feeling kind of old today...

As I stop by all of my favorite blogs, I am struck by the fact that I am the granny of the group...
Everyone seems to be talking about how "Sarah is now 23 months old now and is running me ragged, and little Parker is nearly 5 months and smiled 12 times today"...

Don't think I'm a hater or anything, but I am living a very different reality than all those young, perky moms...

For instance, NEVER do I say "Son #1 just turned 310 months and boy can he eat!! .... and don't even get me started on my 187 month old daughter's messy bedroom... Oh yeah, and she smiled exactly zero times today!"

Sheesh!

I've been where they are, but you only can relate to having teenagers and G.U.K.'s (grown-up kids) when you've actually experienced it...

I've narrowed my pearls of wisdom down to 5 basic truths (for whatever it's worth)

1. Once your child turns 2 years of age.... PLEASE for the love of GOD, stop referring to their age in terms of months!!! It just seems silly after 24... and we, O.M.'s (older mom's) laugh behind your back when you do it...



2. If your children are all still in elementary school, do yourself a favor and try not to convey to other, older parents that you have some sort of handle on this parenting gig.... WE know better, and readily admit that the parent-handle is like a greased pole.... you may get a grip on it for a second or two, but trust us... there is no holding onto it for any length of time!
If you do start to sound a little to high on your horse... we O.M.'s will find a way to knock you off, perhaps with a story about our kids that is so appalling that you are left speechless...
(as well as making mental notes as referred to in #5)



3. Don't tell us how exceptional your child is... we ALL think our kids are exceptional and will likely try to top your story with a better one that may include the fact that, we too, are exceptional and have an IQ that qualifies us for admission to Mensa...
(Stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it!)




4. When approaching your parents to do YOU a favor,
in the form of babysitting your child(ren)...
DON'T insult our intelligence by starting off by saying something like...
"I thought you might like to spend time with...."
It's called babysitting...
Yes, we LOVE our GTP's, but trying to sugar coat
your needs, is just plain annoying...
All O.M.'s with G.U.K.'s see through that immediately!!
Do yourself (and everyone else) a favor by taking a few seconds to think before approaching your parents or in-laws with this tactic



5. Never say never...

This should actually be pearl #1, because this may, in fact, be the biggest mistake that parents, whom have kids which have not yet grown up, past the point of parental adoration, make...
I know this from personal experience as I was the youngest child of a large family and had many opportunities prior to having my own kids, to make mental notes of all of the
things that my (yet to be conceived) children would NEVER DO!!

Take my word for it...
They will...
and perhaps more...

It's probably best if you never speak aloud those mental notes that you may be making about your neighbors older kids, or even your older nieces and nephews...
If you utter those words aloud, they will come back to haunt you...
If you've uttered them about our teens or G.U.K.'s, all of us O.M.'s will be waiting for your kids to screw up (and they will...maybe even worse than ours *gasp!*) to remind you of all of the ridiculous ramblings that you made before you knew better...
It won't help you out, but us O.M.'s will feel all warm and fuzzy, by doing so...

Now that you know these truths, go forth and multiply...
and try not to annoy any O.M.'s on the way...

*PLEASE DON'T FORGET OUR S.O.S. FOR VALERIE!!*
Read about it HERE

Welcome to the Grand Illusion...

I had a lightning bolt hit me in the head the other day…

Well, not a real lightning bolt, but a sudden realization that felt like one…

Actually, it felt like more of a GOOOOONNNNNGGGGG-type reverberation… you know the kind I mean? The Tibetan monk-sort-of deep resounding gong sound…

I have five wonderful offspring who have been helping to keep it real for me for nearly 27 years…

We’re down to only two still living at home….

"Only a few more years and a couple of more kids to finish raising…"
I have been bragging this fact to the whole wide world (or anyone who will listen…. which makes a total of 8 people) as well as sharing that I can see the light at the end of my tunnel.

I’ve had daydreams of Tony and I having cocktails at the country club with Muffy and Biff when we reach the light…

Okay… so we don’t actually belong to the country club and I have no idea who Muffy and Biff are…

So it probably will go more like this….

We'll be meeting Ferry and Tay at the local pub for a pitcher of beer… WHENEVER WE WANT!

It’s MY dream, so bug off and let me have it!

I was struck with this sudden epiphany just the other day when I was spending half of my morning rolling over some worries that I was having for one of my adult-kids*…

*I realize that this is yet another case of the need to revise Websters, because although several of my tadpoles have already turned into frogs, they will still always be my tadpoles….
Thus the need for the addition of the term "Adult-Kids" ....
You Follow?

Recently as a friend and I were discussing our equally complicated lives with our large families, we were sharing a daydream of a time when we would be finished raising our families, which will be followed by ALL of them moving out and then we would finally reach the point when we would become free to not be involved with their drama…

In the middle of that blissful moment, I had this dream-bubble bursting thought…

I realized all at once, that the light at the end of the tunnel is really an optical illusion!!

The sense of total freedom in the not too distant future is false…bogus…phony…total BS to be blunt!!

I should have known all along!!

It all comes back to the adult-kid/tadpole-frog-tadpole thing!!

Your babies will always be just that in your heart …
YOUR BABIES…

Even when they’re 35, they will still all be MY kiddos!!

With this sudden insight fresh in my mind, I raised my hands to the sky, the clouds parted and I shouted “WHHYYYYYY!”

After I finished my dramatic calling to the heavens scene in my mind, I came back to reality…

All I could muster was a deep breath and a sigh…

My friend listened carefully as I shared with her my new perspective…

She agreed and added that it was like when you are a kid and your parent is trying to teach you to swim and says ‘swim to me’ while holding their arms out, and as you swim, they keep taking steps backward and you never quite reach your destination….

I guess that’s the way parenting is…

Lets Recap:

• Tadpoles grow to be frogs but forever remain your tadpoles!

• Total Freedom from Parenting is a Lie that some bitter person made up to watch the rest of us make total fools of ourselves… and then suffer!

• Parents trick their children while giving swimming lessons! (That’s just WRONG!)

• I occasionally hear gongs in my head (but usually only when I think of something REALLY important… and sometimes it’s more like a bell, or occasionally a glockenspiel)