S is for....

Today, my two teenagers attend school for the last time before summer break...
In honor of this exciting event,
I've written an acronym especially for the occasion...

Snacks... be prepared, because you will go through 5 million of these, possibly more, as you feed your kids... their friends... and sometimes, their friends' friends...
There's nothing you can do to stop it...
a padlock for the pantry might slow them down...
but not much...

UV Rays, as well as the following types;
UVA, UVB, and sometimes even UHF (if the cable goes out)...
all speeding up our aging process and causing our dermatologists to dream of the next big ticket item that they'll soon be able to afford...
(like a Mercedes or maybe this year, a month long trip around the world... the sky's the limit!)
due to all of those rays...
(well, except for the UHF ones...)


More "together time" than you might actually be prepared for...


Main Hangout for sleepovers, as well as xbox marathons...
All husbands hate these...
Moms know, that at your own house,
you know what all the kids are up to,
which is really our secret weapon...
Shhhhh! Don't tell!!!


Endless begging to be driven here, there, and everywhere in between...
Always done with outstretched hands, palms up, for the money that they
will be constantly asking you for because they "need" it!
Hey! I need it too! You know, to replenish the snack cupboard!


Ranting and raving...
It's what all real moms begin doing approximately 2 to 3 weeks into summer...
Mostly due to all of the extra cleaning and grocery shopping that we are forced to do...
But we still have a part of us...
like our heart...
that's happy that our tadpoles are hanging out
for the summer, in the pond, with their mama frog!

I admit it.... I LIKE it...

Here is my other ‘Grand-Tadpole’

He’s 2 ½ and loads of fun…

He likes to come over to my house…

And do lots of this kind of stuff…

And because I’m his Grammy, I usually say yes to all kinds of treats, like this humongous piece of birthday cake…

(It helps to create a balance for all of the
NO’s I say to my own kids regularly…)

He loves playing with his cuz...
(my golfing-grand-tadpole - GGTP#1)

GTP #2 :
"Dude! Like, where's the water?"

GGTP#1 :
"You are, like, being such a baby!
When you are four, like I am.... you will 'get' it!!
HELLO!!
It's called PRETENDING!!!
Do I have to spell it out for you??!!"

He loves the beach and smiles almost all the time...
It kind of makes me wonder what he's thinking about...
Probably candy...
or gigantic pieces of birthday cake...


He calls me Grammy...
and when he's all worn out after a busy day,
he asks to hold you...
which is just his way of requesting a snuggle,
usually from his Grampy*...
He will twiddle his hair and the next thing you know....







Given my maturity level, the following revelation may not be all that surprising to you...


*On a side note, it just occurred to me that I 'sleep' with a Grandfather...
and I like it too... (Is that wrong?)
I never thought I'd be saying that...
Hey! Don't knock it, until you try it!

...but find your own Grandfather to sleep with...
Well, not your actual Grandfather...
That would be yucky..
and REALLY wrong on so many levels...
and illegal in most states...

Don't Make Me Come Over There...

I’ll give you something to cry about…

Ever hear that one when you were a kid?

My Dad used to use that little ditty on us all of the time…

I was never quite sure what he meant by it, because after all, he would say it to me when I was already crying…

I never dared ask him to clarify…

I might have been confused… but I wasn’t stupid!

I vowed to never, EVER use that kind of line on my children, but somehow, somewhere in between then and now, I turned into a parent of five and though I always have tried my hardest to be reasonable and fair, occasionally, I have had a “moment”

By “moment”, I mean ugly, ridiculous, unreasonable, rant and rave fest that, truth be told, is quite embarrassing!

In the past, I have sent out a warning message to all, when I feel I am reaching the threshold to my ‘point of no return’…

It’s a simple phrase… just five little words…

It’s-about-to-get-ugly!!!

That should be fair warning to get the heck out of dodge or at the very least to stop whatever they are doing that is causing my patience to wear thin…
‘Should’ is the operative word here.

In reality, for some reason, my children were all born with an off switch in their brains that short-circuits with regularity.

When they were still standing in heaven, they must have thought they were in the ‘sense’ line, but been in the ‘dense’ line… instead.

In actual fact, all of my offspring are quite intelligent; so don’t get me wrong when I say that they lack sense.

Come to think of it, they don’t lack common sense…

Their problem is directly related to the lack of ability to know when to stop drop and roll when they have pushed either of their parents to the brink…

Picture this – you are camping and your fire is smoldering (this represents me and my patience) and it happens to be time for lights out…

You (this represents my kids) have in front of you two items and it’s within your power to choose which to use…

One is a bucket of dirt…

The other is a bucket of gas…

Do I really have to spell it out?!

This type of ‘moment’ happens less than it used to, because in actual fact I am down to only two teenagers left at home to deal with daily.

When I had all five still living at home, ‘it got ugly’ all the time…

In truth, I have used the old ‘give you something to cry about’ line more than once…

There.

I’ve said it…

Guess what?

I feel better for getting that off my chest.

We are all only human after all…

So next time you have a moment with one of your kids and blast out one of your own lines from the past, remember not to be too hard on yourself…

Don’t close yourself in the bathroom and weep with guilt…

Because if I need to, I’ll come right over there and give you something to cry about!!

Slight misunderstanding...

I overheard a lady talking yesterday about her daughter who was in a gymnastics group and needed to make up a class because she had missed one due to illness…

The little girl was maybe 4 or 5…

Apparently she was very excited about the thought of going to her class …

She found herself quite disappointed when she arrived only to find that it was just a regular old gymnastic class….

She started crying and wanted to know where the heck the makeup was?

She thought it was an actual ‘makeup class’…
you know, of the lipstick, blush and eye shadow variety...

I HATE when things like that happen…

It can ruin your entire day!

Say WHAT?!

Years ago, when my first son was around nine or so, he posed a question that blindsided me. I mean, I was totally taken off guard and ill prepared to answer him.

‘What’s a condom?’ he asked.

Wow! I knew that sooner or later this type of inquiry would come my way, but I figured that I had a bit more time to prepare.

‘I’m a mature adult, I can handle it, right?’, I thought to myself…

I believe I’ve already established the fact that when it comes to what strikes me funny, I am a bit warped, so it may not surprise you that at this point, not only was I feeling stressed, but the thought of having to use correct anatomical names as I was delicately treading these uncharted waters, was making me feel like a giggle might bubble out of me any second.

My talk went something like this –

Blah Blah Blah… Married people….yadda yadda yadda….love each other

Cut to the technical stuff….

Blah blah blah…. wiener penis (chuckle being suppressed)…. blah blah blah

Yadda yadda yadda…

Blotches appearing on my chest and neck (another of my ‘issues’)

DOING IT intercourse… (another snicker contained)… yada yada… wonderful thing……MARRIED people do… etc…etc….

The entire conversation took maybe five minutes, but felt like five hundred minutes, at least!

Once I finished, I remember feeling a huge sense of relief, as well as some pride in myself for overcoming my childish embarrassment and handling another parenting challenge successfully.

I decided it would be appropriate to ask if he had any questions for me once I finished.

“No” he said “But I thought they were a place where you live… you know, like an apartment!”

Oh - my - gosh!

I am SUCH a loser!

Looking For Something?

Has anyone lost his or her shoulder chip?

My daughter has found one and is attempting to call it her own.

Please give me a call ASAP, so that it can be returned to its rightful owner...