Say WHAT?!

Years ago, when my first son was around nine or so, he posed a question that blindsided me. I mean, I was totally taken off guard and ill prepared to answer him.

‘What’s a condom?’ he asked.

Wow! I knew that sooner or later this type of inquiry would come my way, but I figured that I had a bit more time to prepare.

‘I’m a mature adult, I can handle it, right?’, I thought to myself…

I believe I’ve already established the fact that when it comes to what strikes me funny, I am a bit warped, so it may not surprise you that at this point, not only was I feeling stressed, but the thought of having to use correct anatomical names as I was delicately treading these uncharted waters, was making me feel like a giggle might bubble out of me any second.

My talk went something like this –

Blah Blah Blah… Married people….yadda yadda yadda….love each other

Cut to the technical stuff….

Blah blah blah…. wiener penis (chuckle being suppressed)…. blah blah blah

Yadda yadda yadda…

Blotches appearing on my chest and neck (another of my ‘issues’)

DOING IT intercourse… (another snicker contained)… yada yada… wonderful thing……MARRIED people do… etc…etc….

The entire conversation took maybe five minutes, but felt like five hundred minutes, at least!

Once I finished, I remember feeling a huge sense of relief, as well as some pride in myself for overcoming my childish embarrassment and handling another parenting challenge successfully.

I decided it would be appropriate to ask if he had any questions for me once I finished.

“No” he said “But I thought they were a place where you live… you know, like an apartment!”

Oh - my - gosh!

I am SUCH a loser!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot...

I was introduced to a girl recently and have seen her on three or four occasions over the last few months.

I like her a lot!

She’s really smart and has a great sense of humor.

I’m telling you all of that right up front, because when I tell you the next part of the story, you may think that I have something against her…

Which I don’t….

I just had a moment, which would win a blooper award hands down!

(don’t ask why I am always talking about winning awards… I have no good answer for that question!)

Okay, so we were sitting around, and she began talking about her family, her job... you know, the usual stuff.

Then she grabbed her purse and whipped out a picture of her son sitting with a cat.

Here’s the part of the story where I start to look bad…

REAL BAD!

I look at the picture of a cute little boy and a furry little kitty…

My brain betrays me at this point.

It sees a cute little cat and an adorable little black boy.

I’m taken off guard, because I never heard her mention (why would she) that her marriage was interracial. (I really don’t care…. I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with it! – Seriously!)

So what pops out of my mouth, you ask?

“What a cute cat!”

WHAT did I just SAY?

I’m a moron and I know it….

And now she knows it too.

My recovery?

Exactly 2.3 seconds later, I threaten my grey matter with all kinds of damaging effects...
(like sniffing jumbo permanent markers…or sucking on whipped cream canisters…)

if it doesn’t say something smart quickly…

Anything to provoke it to get me out of this one!

“And how old did you say your son is? He’s adorable!”

She seemed to be okay with it. Although, as I said, she’s a smart lady.

I seemed to have escaped causing any permanent damage to our blossoming friendship.

No thanks to myself!

On the way home, I had a heart to heart with my brain and my mouth.

I made it clear that they were both on double secret probation and unless they minded their P’s & Q's better, we would be staying home.

Not to sound paranoid or anything, but I think they may be in cahoots against me, because I’ve noticed that recently, when I go to say something, common words escape me and sometimes I don’t even pronounce them properly.

I have a remedy in store for that problem!
I’m going to make them work extra hard this week…
By reading the newspaper aloud each day…
I’ll show them not to mess with me!

Wouldn’t it be nice if we started relationships out by sparing our new friends the kind of embarrassment that I endured in this case?

Maybe we should take a lesson from the way AA meetings are conducted...

From now on I will start out by saying,
Hello. My name is Jackie and I am married to a wonderful Caucasian, bald man.

That way, if they see his picture one day and had never considered the possibility that my better-half is follicly challenged,

They won’t say something they might regret like

“Oh Wow! Did Olan Mills do this portrait?"