Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts

Monday, November 17, 2008

The pipes, the pipes are STILL calling.....

I received the following e-mail from my BFF Tracy, who as you may recall from last weeks post, just moved to Ireland from the good old US of A...

I miss her terribly...

No kidding....

She is learning many new things as you will see by reading the following:

(I am going to suggest she begin writing these things down so that she can publish a self-help guide to acclimating to Ireland for Yanks...)

She can then use the proceeds to purchase roundtrip tickets for Tony and I to come for a visit...


Hey!!
We haven't really got web Internet access in my home yet- but I wanted to send you a quick email about things that we have learned.

1. I can't drive on the other side of the road. I stink at this real bad.

2. If you want a hot bath/shower, you have to manually turn on the water heater switch each time.

3. Estate means subdivision- Green means yard and/or grass.

4. A skip is a dumpster

5. Don't order iced tea----ever- (This was Scott's lesson-)

6. The dollar doesn't go as far as it used to---

7. The washer is also a dryer-It took us 4 loads to figure the sucker out- but we got it now baby!

8. There is a light on the dishwasher that reads "salt" and it is lit- WTH?

9. You can't get a bank account without utilities in your name & you can't get utilities without a local bank account. haha.

10. There is an "isolator" button the bathroom- I am afraid to push it.

11. When you turn on the heater buttons, this may help heat your water?!#

12. The bread/food is delicious- they have riper mango here than in FL????

13. Yummy butter.

14. Yummy Chocolate

15. I am not going to lose weight.

16. My phone number is 045-987654 Weird, huh? (number has been changed to protect her from stalkers)

17. I don't think that people are in love with my accent.

18. All the clocks show military time- My math stinks...this is a problem.

19. I can see sheep grazing from my backyard or green or whatever.

20. When retrieving voice messages, you are supposed to press the "hash"---What is that? Just don't leave a voice message, because I can't retrieve them...

21. When people tell you that they are going to "call"- expect a visit not a telephone call- that would be a "ring."

Okay- That is all I got- I'll send pics when I get Internet. How is everybody? We should have email by next week- but I'll try to stop by the office sooner & check on things...

xox,

me


Just in case you wanted to know how I replied:

So glad to 'hear' from you!!!!
I miss you tons already!!

Since you left I learned a few things too:

  • I can't drive on the other side of the road either...
(the policeman that pulled me over said so!)...JK
  • We have yummy butter and chocolate too...
  • I'm not going to lose weight
Did I mention I miss you?!!

xo Jackie

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Friday, August 22, 2008

And Now, Playing the Part of...



I have this one weird thing.


To be perfectly honest, I actually have several weird things, the least of which is a rogue hair that sprouts in a place which I am certain it is not meant to grow...

Back to my 'thing'...

Here's the thing.

Oh dear...

I seem to be on one of those things where you are suddenly aware of a word that you are overusing and the thing is problem is, that the more you think about the thing use of the word, the worse the thing it gets...

Anywhooooo...

Let me start over...

Whether I am reading a book, watching a movie/tv show/play, I tend to designate who "I am" in the thi.. book/movie/tv show/play.

Way back when the earth was new, and I was seven...
I decided that my 'Brady Role" was that of Marcia.
Actually I was also Laurie in the Partridge Family...
and Mary Ann on Gilligans Island...

I'm not a self absorbed designator..
I often assign characters to my friends and family as well...

Each one of my closest friends secretly had a role in the Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood (and they didn't even know it!)





Recently, I've personally made an important scientific discovery!

Not really... but I've always wanted to say that...
I have actually found that as with other 'things' that are part of who I am,
this 'thing' seems in all likelihood to be genetic...

I made this hypothesis based on a recent trip to the movies with my sister, Tricky Vicki (or T.V.)...
We went to see Mamma Mia! with a couple of my friends , which incidentally is FAB! If you haven't seen it yet... Go!!

So here's where my keen sense of observation kicked in leading to the revelation that this is not just a 'weird thing' but indeed a 'genetic thing'...

Halfway through the movie, there is a scene where Donna (played by Meryl Streep) is joined on stage by her BFF's Tanya (Christine Baranski) and Rosie (Julie Walters) to sing...
as I am watching this big scene, T.V. leans over and taps my arm and says "You're in the middle" and she points to the left "That's me" and she points to the right "That's Linda"
(Linda is our other sister)




I cracked up because, not only did I realize at that very moment, that I am not quite as weird as I thought I was, because obviously this 'thing' runs in our family...
but even more hilarious is that her designations were exactly the same as mine!!

So now I don't feel quite so strange about my designation habit...

But NOW...

about that hair.....


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Friday, July 25, 2008

Our My Royal Proclaimation...


Several weeks ago, my BFF Les announced that she was moving her herd to greener pastures which in her case is a larger house less than 3 miles from her present homestead...

I was caught up in all of her excitement which included more bedrooms, bathrooms and lake access
Actually, the lake access was my primary source of enthusiasm, followed by extra bathrooms, (which is actually an entire separate story left for another day... and I will warn you ahead of time, that it's NOT pretty!!)

Tony and I are movers extraordinaire...
I've proclaimed us such, simply based on the extraordinary number of moves we've executed for not only ourselves, but for any friends that have done the same.
(Tony HATES when I proclaim things... he thinks it's goofy...so he will usually try to discourage me doing so by saying something similar to what I've illustrated here...)

We're good at it...
That doesn't mean that we like it...
But we do it because that's the kind of friends we are...
That, and because Les has promised to make it worth our while, which in her case usually equates to food and drink...
Before you think badly of her, I should probably confess that we are totally satisfied with the arrangement...

We're "foodies"....what can I say?


I should also mention that we are the only friends who haven't made plans to get out of dodge on moving day...

A coincidence? I think NOT!!
Although, if I had lots of moolah, I would have headed for the hills by way of a second vacation too...

But our vacation quota was one, and we've already used it...
Les knew that...
So here we are...

Showing the entire world, once again, that we are entitled to our my proclamation...


PS - GREAT NEWS!! I just found out that they have signed a two year lease... which means at least two years before we'll have to once again, claim the title...
Honestly, can you imagine anyone wanting to take it from us?
We'll gladly give it to them without even putting up a fight...

Any challengers out there?




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Friday, April 25, 2008

Full of ... What?!

My friend Les and I, are outside-of-the-box kind of thinkers…

That’s the type that we have self-proclaimed ourselves to be, and
refuse to listen to those who want to bring us down
and say we’re just full of…

Oh never mind!!!


We are constantly coming up with cool ideas, and thinking of ways that we can use them to give us a financial boost…

Have you ever watched Oprah, when she invites ordinary people on her show who have experienced huge success with a idea that they ran with…

Our motto: If they can do it, so can we… and we use that adage to prime the pump of our ‘idea well’. Once we remind each other of the (self-proclaimed) creative edge we have, usually we get all excited and commit to formulating a plan -

Brainstorming typically follows…

Ideas flowing next…

Then usually lunch (because all that thinking has made us hungry)

None of our ideas has actually paved our road to success yet, but that doesn’t stop us. We are tenacious about our dreams.

The following is an abbreviated list of potential jobs and/or inventions we are working on… which our friends lovingly refer to as our “cockamamie idea list”

1. A cooking show like Rachel Ray’s but even better, because we would star in it and we are way more entertaining than she is…

2. Becoming power sellers on e-bay…

3. Becoming food critics and take restaurant world by storm…

4. Opening an RV gadget store (I really LOVE this idea!)

5. Winning the lottery (less of an idea, more like a wish… a really good wish!)

6. Market and sell Beer Slushies (this is our own original idea and admit it… YOU wish that YOU had come up with it first!)
Confess!!…. You’d love to get brain freeze from one of these!

We could call them Icee-House or maybe Slosh Puppies…


Unfortunately, we probably won’t be able to sell them to the deserving folks who need them most…
Little league parents at ball fields all over the world, who endure long, torturous, blazing hot, sunny days for their children…
(if you’ve ever been one, you’ll completely understand what I mean!)


Our time just hasn’t arrived yet. But we believe it will one day…

Just not this week…

because I forgot to buy my lottery ticket…

But we have heard rumors that Rachel might be retiring soon…

So please understand that if you try to phone this week, we may not answer, just in case the Food Channel tries to call!



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Monday, April 7, 2008

Open Mouth, Insert Foot...

I was introduced to a girl recently and have seen her on three or four occasions over the last few months.

I like her a lot!

She’s really smart and has a great sense of humor.

I’m telling you all of that right up front, because when I tell you the next part of the story, you may think that I have something against her…

Which I don’t….

I just had a moment, which would win a blooper award hands down!

(don’t ask why I am always talking about winning awards… I have no good answer for that question!)

Okay, so we were sitting around, and she began talking about her family, her job... you know, the usual stuff.

Then she grabbed her purse and whipped out a picture of her son sitting with a cat.

Here’s the part of the story where I start to look bad…

REAL BAD!

I look at the picture of a cute little boy and a furry little kitty…

My brain betrays me at this point.

It sees a cute little cat and an adorable little black boy.

I’m taken off guard, because I never heard her mention (why would she) that her marriage was interracial. (I really don’t care…. I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with it! – Seriously!)

So what pops out of my mouth, you ask?

“What a cute cat!”

WHAT did I just SAY?

I’m a moron and I know it….

And now she knows it too.

My recovery?

Exactly 2.3 seconds later, I threaten my grey matter with all kinds of damaging effects...
(like sniffing jumbo permanent markers…or sucking on whipped cream canisters…)

if it doesn’t say something smart quickly…

Anything to provoke it to get me out of this one!

“And how old did you say your son is? He’s adorable!”

She seemed to be okay with it. Although, as I said, she’s a smart lady.

I seemed to have escaped causing any permanent damage to our blossoming friendship.

No thanks to myself!

On the way home, I had a heart to heart with my brain and my mouth.

I made it clear that they were both on double secret probation and unless they minded their P’s & Q's better, we would be staying home.

Not to sound paranoid or anything, but I think they may be in cahoots against me, because I’ve noticed that recently, when I go to say something, common words escape me and sometimes I don’t even pronounce them properly.

I have a remedy in store for that problem!
I’m going to make them work extra hard this week…
By reading the newspaper aloud each day…
I’ll show them not to mess with me!

Wouldn’t it be nice if we started relationships out by sparing our new friends the kind of embarrassment that I endured in this case?

Maybe we should take a lesson from the way AA meetings are conducted...

From now on I will start out by saying,
Hello.
My name is Jackie and I am married to a wonderful Caucasian, bald man.

That way, if they see his picture one day and had never considered the possibility that my better-half is follicly challenged,

They won’t say something they might regret like

“Oh Wow! Did Olan Mills do this portrait?"



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Friday, April 4, 2008

Another Twisted Tale....




I saw a lady pushing a shopping cart run straight into a support pole the other day. She was looking down at her shopping list and didn’t see it coming. She made a noise that sounded like “UGHH!” … or maybe it was “OWW!”

I can’t recall...

What I do remember, is that I felt the corners of my mouth turn up…

Kind of like the Grinch….

That, plus I was having trouble not letting a giggle escape my lips.

Is that wrong?

At the gym a day or so later, I watched a guy wobble and then nearly go flying off of the treadmill that he had been running on.

My reaction?

Similar to my pole-crash witnessing.

Am I a horrible person or something?

Actually I have always had a strange sense of hilarity.

It makes me sometimes laugh at odd and inappropriate times…

For instance, when I was a kid, my Dad would get mad at my brother and I, and we would get the giggles (which for some crazy reason my Dad mistook for disrespect – go figure!)

We knew he was getting angrier by the second, because the vein in his neck would pop out and he would start grinding his teeth

We knew the beatings would ensue, but that knowledge wasn’t enough to stop the madness.

I know I’m not alone here.

I have a good friend who has similar reactions to what some might consider non-funny stuff.

Together we have shared moments of total hysteria, complete with tears that only ended because one of us was bent over with our legs crossed begging the other to stop before ‘something bad happened’ (after five kids each…. bad things can happen quite easily)

My husband is worse than me, I think.

His Achilles’ heel funny bone usually involves me (or anyone else) getting hurt in some small way.

For instance, if I fell down and broke my leg, he would behave like a normal, loving husband, be concerned, and fuss over me.

BUT if I accidentally poked myself in the eye, he would say “Ohh! Are you okay?!”

But soon his shoulders would be shaking as he quickly turned his back on me as not to let me see him laughing hysterically…

Even as I sat there, teary eyed and looking like Popeye without his pipe.

That is sick!

I’ve been on the flip side of it to be sure, and been the source of amusement for others too…

Like the time that I walked to the bank to cash my paycheck during my lunch break and walked head first into a parking meter because I was looking down and counting my money while walking at the same time.

I saw some snickers on passerby's faces...

I remember that it hurt really bad, but for some reason I was like, ‘Did you see that?! (chuckle, chuckle) I’m fine! I’m fine’

Why do we do that? We could have just had our arm ripped off in some horrific accident and yet we will jump up and brush ourselves off and tell everyone how fine we are….

Strange….

Back to the point,

I don’t blame them though…

If I were the spectator, I would be killing myself laughing about it every time it crossed my mind for the rest of the day, and perhaps for weeks to come.

You can’t control what strikes you funny, try as you might!

So heed my warning!

If you ever walk into a sliding glass door that you thought was opened, and all that is bruised is your ego (and maybe your nose)

You might catch me running from the room to spare you my insensitivity…

But know this….

If I am the one who walks into the door, you needn’t hide…

Go ahead and enjoy a belly laugh on me!



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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Don't Mess with Librarian-types....


A year or so ago, several of the ‘girls gone sort-of-wild’ (a.k.a. my crew) and I went to an outdoor concert together. We went to see John Mayer & Sheryl Crow who were touring at the time.

We planned ahead as usual and had sorted out rides to and from so that we would be able to have a party on the lawn, which is where we were sitting…
Except that SOME of us rented chairs because we didn’t want to sit on the lawn…
Not me! I love grass stains and spilled drinks, which occasionally roll down the steep hill getting on my pants….
Not really, but lawn chairs are a sign of old age, so I steer clear!

There was quite a crowd there and it was a beautiful evening….
We were definitely ready to rock!
The concert was awesome, and everyone noticed that John kept singing specifically to me… it was kind of embarrassing, but I’m getting used to it, because he did it the next time I saw him too…

Sheryl was cool too. We all love her even if she does have a banging body AND she’s our age….
Now that I think of it…. Maybe she’s not that cool!

The concert ended and we were headed for the Wing House Restaurant where my knight in shining armor was meeting us and driving all the girls home (he’s a brave knight too)

But FIRST! Potty stops were needed…desperately!
The line was long…
REALLY LONG!
One of the girls, whom by the way, is normally one of the biggest rule followers, suggests we use the other “entrance”
…And by “entrance” I really mean, “exit”
Desperate times call for desperate measures!
Believe me!
I was desperate!

We casually walk in, like we are supposed to be there, and as soon as a stall on the end opened… my friend walked towards the open door…
What she didn’t count on was a self-proclaimed bathroom monitor who attempted to block her entry to the coveted potty!
I couldn’t quite hear what the bathroom monitor said, but I clearly did hear my usually compliant friend shout “I DON’T THINK SO MISSY!”
For a half second or so I thought we were going to be treated to out and out catfight, but I think old ‘Missy’ realized that she should probably hang up her badge and get the heck out of the way!
I should probably mention that this particular friend looks like the sweet librarian type….

‘Come on Jack!’ she barks at me.
I scoot quickly into the stall, which happens to be a handicap one, (It sounds worse than it was…really) and she comes in behind me and slams the door shut.
I say to her ‘I’ll turn around while you go’
She tells me that she doesn’t have to go.
She turns around and lets me do my thing, semi-privately.
That’s a real friend right there, if you ask me!

We get to the rendezvous point and treat our ride to a bite before he drives everyone to their houses….
and he listens to us laugh the entire trip home about how ‘our girl’ went to bat for me!


Lesson for today…

Don’t ever underestimate the power of a good friend…
and a weak bladder!

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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

One Degree...

One degree...

It seems such a tiny thing, but in my house, trust me… it’s humongous!

“I’m hot!” I say

“It’s just you!” He says

This dialog has been going on in our home for a couple of years now. We actually spar over the one-degree difference that we each want the A/C set on.

I must also add, that I have been telling my husband for years that there is something wrong with that thermostat, because the difference between 78 and 79 degrees is huge.

I’m wondering if a power surge or storm has messed up the temperature measuring thingy inside of it and it just can’t do its job properly anymore.

I'll tell you something else…. It really gets me steamed when he says that anything is ‘just me’… I mean, what does that actually mean?

I don’t know why I find it exceptionally irritating when he talks like that. But I know that I’m not alone here.

Lots of my girlfriends have mentioned that over the past couple of years that their families purposely go out of their way to annoy them. We swap this kind of intel over a drink during our ‘meetings’, which is our code name for ‘happy hour’.

I’m seeing a pattern here. It’s so obvious that I can’t believe that the news hasn’t done an expose’ on the whole thing! I’m SURE that there is something in our environment that is making our men and children turn on us.

The most I can figure is that it couldn’t be the water supply because I drink water, and so do my friends and none of us have been affected.

Maybe it’s some kind of weird exotic viral infection that affects only our men and kids.
I surmise that we must have a natural immunity to it.

Then I get worried because I’m pretty sure that most of our ‘top scientists’ are men (don’t they usually say ‘I’ll get a man on that right away!’ in the movies?)

That means that no one will be working on a cure because the women research scientists probably won’t get the “CURE CRAZY VIRUS ASAP!” memo because some guy will destroy all of the orders before any woman will even SEE it!!!

Okay, so perhaps I am being a tad overdramatic here, but you see my dilemma, as well as my friends too.

At a recent ‘meeting’ one friend made a monumental announcement “It’s official… I went to the doctor and I am definitely in menopause!”

That news, if you ask me, is really depressing. I mean, what are we going to be discussing at future meetings? Prune juice?!

“How sad for you”, I say

I’m sure that I am AGES away from that! ‘Poor old thing!’ I’m thinking. I’m guessing that when my time comes I won’t get all those crazy menopausal symptoms that I’ve read about in Ladies Home Journal.
Not me… EVER, I tell myself.

I have bigger problems to worry about anyways.

I mean, after all, we still have to get to the bottom of this virus thing.

It’s so annoying!

And for Pete’s sake!

Will someone turn the stinking air conditioning on!!!



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Monday, March 10, 2008

Girls Gone Sort-of-Wild....


My Brother Rick loves my girlfriends! He's actually my eldest brother and you may have seen his picture in the slang dictionary right next to the entry for 'People Person'. He loves meeting new friends and seems to have no particular comfort zone.... his entire 'zone' is his comfort zone. Stick him in a roomful of strangers and he'll leave the room a bit later with a bunch of new buds. It's amazing actually. I also consider myself a people person although I definitely have 'zones' in which I am more comfortable. Stick me in a room filled with strangers and I'll leave a bit later with some 'potentials'... and my face and neck will be blotchy, which is what happens to me when I am pushed out of my comfort zone.... but more on that later.

I've never had trouble making friends but can honestly say that I have found friendship nirvana with the group of friends that I have been close to for the last ten years or so. We've laughed, cried, and generally been there for each other in ways that are way beyond my expectations. I know that it all sounds quite cliché' but we are like family except that miraculously, we actually CHOSE each other.

We are a pretty wild bunch.... we love to get together for happy hours, we love to talk and laugh, we LOVE to dance and be silly (some of us more than others), we even love to go to Applebee’s on Karaoke night and torture fellow patrons with our special renditions of tunes like 'Love Shack' and 'Goodbye Earl'. We look out for each other’s kids and deliver dinners when someone has a crisis. We look out for each other.

Case in point: One night shortly after one of the girls went through a divorce, a group of us went out for a girls gone “sort-of-wild” night… Don’t confuse us with the regular ‘wild’ girls you may have seen on TV commercials (and had to hide your kids eyes from) Not one of us lifted our tops to reveal that underneath we were wearing a thick strip of black duct tape over our boobs!

Here’s the deal - One of our men drops us off, and later, one of them picks us up…. We are responsible girls gone sort-of-wild! One of our favorite spots is a restaurant/club called Stumps Supper Club, which is exactly what it sounds like…. They serve down home food and delicious drinks that are served in plastic buckets with 20 or so really long straws, which have actually, I’m certain, poked someone’s eye out. By the 2nd shared bucket, we are no longer trying to keep track of whose straw is which, nor are we reminding each other not to backwash. By the second bucket, we are simply primed sufficiently to dance like nobody’s looking. Even though they probably are… as well as chuckling…. And pointing too…. But we don’t care. We’re just the wild bunch, out there having the time of our lives!

We have all done this together enough times that we know which songs, that when the band starts playing them, it is mandatory to dance…. together… ALL together. We each have one or two favorites, and it’s a given, that when someone else’s favorite starts, we HAVE to dance to it …. Even if we aren’t crazy about it. Okay, so I’ve never even told her this before, but I really don’t like my friend Karen’s pick, ‘I Melt with You”…. But when I hear that intro…. I’m out there dancing my little heart out and loving that my friend is loving grooving out with all “her girls” to her special song. One of my favorite parts of the evening is when the band takes a break and they play a 15 or 20 minute long club mix, which usually includes newer remixed dance music which keeps going and going. I KNOW for sure that some of my “peeps” aren’t so crazy about Montel Jordan’s ‘This is how we do it’ but will still stick it out while I “raise the roof” …… which happens to be one of my signature moves, by the way.

I digress.

Back to the point. Occasionally, we will end up with some “admirers”.

I say “admirers”, because usually they try to dance their way into the circle.

I say “we”, because it sounds way better than saying Leslie, and besides, it goes straight to her head.

Leslie is a few years younger and is petite and cute and seems to be the type that attracts all kinds…. Of weirdos, that is. I should also say that she attracts regular guys too…. But seeing as she seems to be the only one of us that consistently catches the attention of the opposite sex (and occasionally the same sex) she is the example that I present to you today.

So there we were, dancing our brains out…. Raising the roof… being the girls gone sort-of-wild, when we notice that Les has decided to sit down. We boogie our way over to her seat and demand that she resumes dancing with us. (as I mentioned before… we are ALWAYS there for each other) She says something to the group, but with the music jamming and the general noise level high, we can’t really hear exactly what she’s saying. We assume it’s just some cock and bull excuse as to why she was pooping out on us. We notice that she’s attempting contact again… Wow! ‘She really is a whiner tonight!’, I think to myself. We all look at each other and laugh. After all, our husband-ride will be arriving in ten minutes and we need to get our groove on until the last possible second!

As we all shuffle out the door at the appointed time, we notice that Les keeps rubbing her arm. Good Grief! She is really being extra wimpy! I’ve been “roof raising” all evening and you don’t see me rubbing my arms!

“I've been bitten,” she announces. None of the rest of us had been bitten…. and we didn’t even spray ourselves with deep woods Off! “We were inside all night! How did you get bitten?” someone asks.

She lifts up her sleeve to reveal a large bite mark on her arm. It had teeth marks on it… like people leave…

“How in the heck did you get bitten by a person?”, we inquire. She proceeds to tell us the story of this young guy who kept asking her to dance when she sat down to take a break. She told him she had four kids and was old enough to be his mother much older sister, and that she wasn’t interested and he shouldn’t be either. Somehow, he must have thought that she would be flattered when he said that she was cute enough to bite, and then he did. That is crazy, right?! Thank heavens he didn’t break the skin…. She may have had to go through those painful rabies shots or something.

We asked her why didn’t she tell us when it happened. She came up with some story….
Like she tried to, when we danced up to her, but that we just kept laughing.

Okay, so in hindsight maybe we weren’t there for her in this particular instance. But on the other hand, I’m pretty sure that Karen’s second favorite song, which was sure to be a Rolling Stones tune, was playing when Leslie took her “little break”….

Which is clearly a breach of our dancing rules contract…

So I guess our faux pas and her ‘break’ pretty much cancel out each other. Thank heavens for that!

I surely don’t want to have to find a new posse. Because as I mentioned before, It’s not as easy for me as it is for Rick.

Not to mention all that Botchy-ness!



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